NOTE: THIS ENTRY CONTAINS LOTS OF TRIGGERS!!!!
Dear watchers, fellow artists and friends,
I have to make a sad statement. Many of you know that I have massive scars on my body. I have been suffering from ICD - F60.31 (or Borderline Personality Disorder) for many years, selfharm was the most prominent symptom. I have been alright for a few years, was able to control it and live a relatively normal life.
In the past six weeks my entire foundation broke apart and it reached it's sad finale when my boyfriend pushed me away and left me yesterday. Before that I had suffered from violence through a family member, I had to face very hard times at uni and had to help my few friends with their own misery. In the end I broke down myself.
I started cutting myself again and like all addicts I thought I could control it. Sure cutting has never been my preferred method, I usually burned myself, so I thought I could handle it. Turned out I could not and ended up with more than 150 new cuts in six weeks and finally in hospital. I began to hate these meaningless scars out of hurt, anger and helplessness... so I did what I never wanted to do again, because I know I cannot control it: I burned myself again. I covered the cuts on my forearm with the Ansuz rune (or the rune for the letter A if you like simple terms). I won't bore you with the long explanation of the rune, since runes are a complex topic. The irony actually is that Ansuz is according to many the rune of Odin and stands for positive things and guidance on the other hand it represents the Latin letter A which is the first letter of the names of the two people who dragged me down.
The horrid thing about it is, that I have not been burning myself for more than five years. The reason is simple: I totally overdid it, back then I 'decorated' my entire left arm from shoulder to wrist with knotwork, runes, swirls and other symbols in one session for eight hours. Nowadays the forearm is mostly covered by a tattoo and the upper arm looks like a removed tattoo, but it's still visible. And more importantly it was then that I realised that I was losing control.
Now I am right were I was five years ago. It took me years to become stable again and now I am facing the same challenge. I have to cope with my illness and try to get back on my feet. I have to focus on uni and my plan to leave Germany for my master's degree as soon as possible (the destination will be either Norway or Sweden and it is fixed).
In my wrecked state I cannot possibly continue modeling or so, because I do not want to glorify the wounds that I have inflicted on myself. So I will retire from modeling for the next years. I am not sure if I will persue photography or drawing. And as per usual my writing except for the DnD campaign books stays private simply because I do not want to share what I have written down about those who destroyed that happy and hopeful person that I used to be.
I am considering to leave dA though I am not too sure about it.
Thank you for reading,